What a Woman Wants and Needs....

Two years ago while I was at Concordia University I met a most remarkable women. Her name was Becky and she was in my American Literature class. We hit it off right away. She was 52, a mother of 8 children and 4 grandchildren. She was an encouragement to me in so many ways and I'm thankful to have known her, even if it was for a short time. We helped each other through some very difficult times, not only with homework but also we were there for each other, being the arms and words of our Creator. Becky is a very gifted writer and hopes one day to be an author.

Becky was (and still is) an amazing person to me. You may be wondering why I'm choosing to write about this now. Well, for one, Becky is no longer here and she has been on my heart alot lately. No, she didn't die or anything like that, but she had to leave the country to get away from an extremely dangerous person.

Becky confided in me that she had spent 30 years in an extremely abusive marriage; emotionally, mentally and physically and chose to leave this situation to try and save herself. Coming to Concordia and then both of us meeting in class together, was not a chance happening. God placed this person in my life for a reason....and for just a season.

In the stress of her life, we came to appreciate the very simple things in life. The things that nurture us and help us feel more real and special. Things like, pedicures and manicures! No, I'm really serious about this. I never thought I'd be the type of person to go and have anything like this done. Becky had never been to a salon before, let alone to have a manicure and pedicure. So as a surprise and gift to Becky, my friend, KD and my daughter Nicole and I planned a little outing for Becky to my favorite little spa, right here in Beaverton. The place is called "Seven Stars Beauty Supply." Mia is the owner of this wonderful place and a fellow follower in the Way. I let Mia know of her situation and we had the most grandest time at her salon for the day. Becky had a complete make-over, which included, hair coloring, cut and style, a manicure and pedicure. Then we all took her over to Clinique in Meier and Frank and had her make-up done. She could not get over how different and truly beautiful she really was. All the years of stress and constant belittling were melting away. Becky talked with every person about her situation and felt so incredibly blessed by everyone she met. We helped her purchase some make-up, which she hadn't owned since high school years! Sometimes a girl just needs to be pampered and made to feel special. The girls at the make-up counter showed Becky how to apply the make-up and we all left, looking and feeling refreshed and of course, "gorgeous"!

While Becky was married to her husband, he controlled everything about her life; what clothes she could wear, the make-up she could wear (which was none). He had so worn her down physically, emotionally and mentally that she could no longer justify staying with him any longer. After speaking with her Pastor and receiving counsel from professionals and family, she decided to leave her husband. This was no easy task.

By the time Becky had come to Concordia, she had been divorced from her husband about 3 years but he was still trying to call her and eventually found out where she was living. Becky and I spent numerous times together, crying on each others shoulders about the past abuse we both have experienced and encouraging each other through the pains of the past and present. Yet through it all we have come out stronger, more confident and were blessed to be a part of the journey.

This experience has taught me and continues to teach me alot of things.....that we are all on a journey and one never really knows what is going on with people. I feel priviledged that Becky felt safe enough with me to share her burdens and her sorrows with me. Her gift to me was not only her optimism in spite of her circumstance, but also her humor and her ability to give me her trust....something very hard to give, for those of us who have been abused.

I am so proud of Becky and think about her often and when I do, I say a little prayer for her. She told me that she would get a hold of me, via email someday to let me know how she is doing. This blog is in memory of my friend Becky who has shown me that no matter what happens in life, their are still "loving and grace-ful" people He brings along to help each of us in our journeys.

This blog is dedicated to my friend Becky.....this is something that she gave me before she left the country. She wrote this to her son and his wife and gave this to them on their wedding day. I wanted to share this because I know there may be some who are experiencing abuse right now in their lives, that they may not even be aware of...theirs not just spousal abuse out there...but theirs also "spiritual abuse" as well.

There are so many women who have been "shelved" or minimized, oppressed and disregarded by well-meaning leaders of churches due to their gender....and the result of this abuse will be catastrophic. Unfortunately, the reform hasn't gone far enough. "All of the body needs to be working together, equally and aknowledged and appreciated for their contribution. When one part of the body cannot or is not allowed to function, the work and worker will suffer..... the work will be burdensome. The body will not function and work properly when it's missing a limb! Rise up women....He will hear our voices....we have the keys to set the captives free!

A letter to my son and daughter-in law:

Here are a few ground rules I've jotted down. I've heard many women say these are the things that upset them.

1. The number 1 rule is, that after God you put your wife first, not your job, not your children, not your parents, not your best friend, but your wife. It is of course the same for her, she puts you first, after God. Now you might think it silly to say this. You're saying that you do that. Do you? Just think about it.

2. Never. Never. Never criticize her body or her looks. She probably changes the most in looks since you married her, (especially if she has children). But she is still the same woman you married and she loves you for what you are. I don't think this is as much of an issue for women that it is for men. I think that is because for women, kindness, compassion, and gentleness is more important to us than a mans looks or the size, shape and tone of his equipment.

3. Do not belittle or make fun of her intuitions or feelings. Most women are more intuitive than men and sometims it would pay for you to heed to her if she has "a funny feeling" about someone or something.

4. Do not say you are sorry or ask her to forgive you to shut her up. Talk about it first and make sure you both understand why you are upset.

5. If she wears something you do not like, tell her tactfully.

6. DO NOT ASK HER WHAT SHE DID ALL DAY! I know that you've been slaving away at very important stuff to support her and the family, all day. But do you understand what it is that she does? She is taking care of your most precious possessions, isn't she? Do you know what it is like to spend all day with people who like you to read the same story 100 times, who are human tornados that destroy any order in the house? Oh and while you're complaining that you had to work through your coffee break or lunch, try this, try being the coffee break or lunch. Try taking your co-workers to the bathroom with you and maybe have one of them sit on your lap!

7. You do not have the right to use her body whenever you want to. It is not her duty to keep you sexually satisfied, and no, not one man has ever died for lack of sex. Sex is a wonderful way to express love and to show her how much she means to you, and what you mean to her. It is not a neccessity.

8. Do not criticize her efforts in the home. If your boss criticized you a lot would you feel that you were doing a good job? Would you be able to continue working there? You are working with adults who are pretty much on the same page, she works with people who want to eat the page.

9. Do not compare her to other women. Not in her cleaning, not in her cooking, not in her appearance. If you really like something that someone else has made, ask her to get the recipe but don't say things like "Boy I wish you cooked like Martha." Do not comment on how attractive you think another woman is. Ever.

10. If you want to make love to her at night you had better start in the morning. If you leave the house having said cutting things to her, don't expect her to be ready to cuddle. Better take care of those harsh words first. Better leave the house having left her with a smile on her face rather than tears in her eyes.